Uncertain, Anxious, Concerned, Overwhelmed.... by Challenge in regards to Capabilities and Commitment

I am so invested.

My work ethic at work and school aren't parallel. My work ethic has always been a bit erratic, which has never veered its ugly head in Cohort 4, 'til now.  It has always been hard to balance my erratic habits at Lockheed Martin and be in this program, so I have been merely doing what I needed to get my pieces done.

I am currently the Project Manager and the SME. But I question myself whenever I am questioned on what I know and why we need to take into consideration things that "aren't HR" and having to convince my team "yes! this is still within the scope of the project." I sometimes feel like I am fighting to convey that HR is a part of the business.

I now feel like I am investing hours upon hours on this project; becoming fully vested, trying to set goals and objectives for my team, and make sure that they understand HR. My challenges have been: How do I get folks to actively participate? How do I get folks to provide feedback? Respond to emails? How do I stop myself from not just doing the project myself? How do I hold folks responsible and get them to meet deadlines? How do I not overstep my boundaries? How do I not come off pushy? Because I get excited and filled with ideas and then I need to pour it out....somewhere, and it seems to be in emails.

Another challenge: A team member of mine went M.I.A. for about 4 days. A member of the team that had a charge to do something. With my past experience, I didn't jump to conclusions and figured, something wasn't right but I didn't know what to do. I emailed my teammate, called my teammate and called another teammate to see if they have heard from this person and if not, could they try their had at contacting this team member.  Luckily, the team member appeared and explained why he when missing and I was able to talk to him on the phone, bring him up to speed and talked about next steps.

It's been quite difficult to balance the Project Manager Role and the SME role. Typically, these aren't the same person. Matter of fact they aren't supposed to be the same person. But for some reason, I wanted to make it work. I have already endured sleepless nights and we are only in the 3rd week of the project. I have taken it upon myself to make sure that everyone has the tools and resources that they need.  I am treating this project like projects from work, that's the only way I know to be a Project Manager. Lot's of work in the Front-load to set-up and strategize, and periodic check-ups throughout the project to make sure we are on track, and overseeing the final products (recommendation(s), presentations, papers, etc). One of my teammates sent me an email the other day saying "I have never had an official PM before, but I feel like you are doing A LOT and that's not fair to you, I think that the team may get comfortable with that and take advantage of that." Any concern of a team member is a concern of the Team, so I addressed it at a team meeting and I came up with a solution as to having a Co-Project Manager. We plan on addressing the concern of people being active team members on Sunday's call.